Trimming the Fat

Last night was particularly interesting for me, breaking a short bout of writer’s block by coming up with a dozen new pieces. Tehcnically, I suppose that two of my pieces are really one, since the shorter one is just lines from the original longer piece. What happened is that I wrote the original piece, then for whatever reason realized that if I put every third line together, I had another poem, carrying the same message as the original piece, but in a much more eloquent way. I’m sure I’m not the first person to ever do this, and I’m sure that it’s been done deliberately by other poets, but I was pretty amused by the fact that it happened. I’m still not sure that it wasn’t really a product of just a late night fit of madness…

Anyway, here are the poems, both titled ‘Adrift.’

The original, ‘director’s cut’:

and alone
on glassy black sea,
captive and free
the radiant
arc of the sky,
upon which I lie.
that deafens
and echoes within,
the abyss,
the sound of my sins;
summons reflection,
the moment,
promised redemption.
begging for life,
a chance
at being,
to bathe in the night.
the struggle,
defiance of being,
and refuse
the torture of seeing.
this darkness,
the stars are aflame,
I know each by its name;
each treasured gift,
the dreams of
a wanderer adrift.

And the ‘edited for tv’ version:

on glassy black sea
captive and free
arc of the sky
upon which I lie
and echoes within
the sound of my sins
summons reflection
promised redemption
begging for life
to bathe in the night
defiance of being
the torture of seeing
the stars are aflame
I know each by its name
each treasured gift
a wanderer adrift

3 thoughts on “Trimming the Fat

Add yours

  1. They are both deep and felt like riding a wave, though the second one feels more like a mantra and appeals to my sometimes short attention span… both moving.

  2. Dang, you’re so very talented …
    …and I found the first one much more captivating.

    p.s. I would take the “its” out of the line about stars. (would flow better) 🙂

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