Last night was particularly interesting for me, breaking a short bout of writer’s block by coming up with a dozen new pieces. Tehcnically, I suppose that two of my pieces are really one, since the shorter one is just lines from the original longer piece. What happened is that I wrote the original piece, then for whatever reason realized that if I put every third line together, I had another poem, carrying the same message as the original piece, but in a much more eloquent way. I’m sure I’m not the first person to ever do this, and I’m sure that it’s been done deliberately by other poets, but I was pretty amused by the fact that it happened. I’m still not sure that it wasn’t really a product of just a late night fit of madness…
Anyway, here are the poems, both titled ‘Adrift.’
The original, ‘director’s cut’:Adrift and alone on glassy black sea, floating, suspended, captive and free beneath the radiant arc of the sky, mirrored perfection upon which I lie. Silence that deafens and echoes within, thunders the abyss, the sound of my sins; nothing unending summons reflection, tranquil the moment, promised redemption. Substance forgotten begging for life, a chance at being, to bathe in the night. Futile the struggle, defiance of being, resist and refuse the torture of seeing. Blinding, this darkness, the stars are aflame, burning, eternal, I know each by its name; perfect, undying, each treasured gift, guiding the dreams of a wanderer adrift.
And the ‘edited for tv’ version:on glassy black sea captive and free arc of the sky upon which I lie and echoes within the sound of my sins summons reflection promised redemption begging for life to bathe in the night defiance of being the torture of seeing the stars are aflame I know each by its name each treasured gift a wanderer adrift
They are both deep and felt like riding a wave, though the second one feels more like a mantra and appeals to my sometimes short attention span… both moving.
Thanks. I haven’t really written anything long, preferring to keep things brief (short attention span also, lol).
Dang, you’re so very talented …
…and I found the first one much more captivating.
p.s. I would take the “its” out of the line about stars. (would flow better) 🙂